Three Weeks in Portland

I find myself saying, “Who I am  hates who I’ve been..” which is true.  There are chapters that make me cringe when the memories are revisited.

*revelation*

Who I am is inspired by where I’ve been. Both physically, and figuratively. Traveling, heart breaks, celebrations and revelations. Struggles and triumphs. Crying and laughing-crying from laughing and laughing at crying… yes, that’s a thing. Illegals and volunteering. Building up the Karma and tearing it down. All of it, the good, the bad, the pleasant and the ugly-make me a Devo. And by golly, I’m almost satisfied.

I have a free spirit. It’s caged however. Limitations – mostly in the form of financials keep me like roots when I want to fly.  I have been very fortunate in my Tweedledum of a life, which I will choose to not take for granted. Europe, Canada (twice) Portland and North Carolina only to name a few. Even traveling around our US of A is revealing (when you come from a small town in Wyoming).  (On a side note of where I’ve been and when I come back, my love of this place is always refreshed. My heart will always find its way back to this beautiful country. I know it deep in my marrow. No matter where my adventures lead me, I will call Wyoming home.)

Portland was a particularly insightful chapter for me for a number of reasons.  It was a major turning point in my life.  Mentally, I was probably in the most darkest moment of my life. Something I thought I was sure of fell through, and I was shattered.  At the time, crushed and hurt, I couldn’t see the benefit, or the significance of change.

I’ve never done any thing crazy in my life, always the good girl who played by the rules.  But when my best friend said she’d take me on her business trip to Portland, I couldn’t find an excuse.  I had just moved to Laramie to start school at the University.  A month until the start of semester, there were no jobs for me (people weren’t hiring at the time).  Why not have fun before the chains of studies consumed me? No job, no friends….I made the phone call a day before she left. I phoned my mother right after asking for my passport (we were going to peak into Canada) and was holding it a few hours later. The next morning I was in the passenger-side seat, ready for an unknown adventure.

Filled with jittery excitement, I dreamed into the unknown.  That feeling, indescribable.

I learned right off the bat that I am an excellent night driver. Terrified about hitting dear, I was wide awake. In the dark early mornings, no one was on the road, so navigating big city was a cinch when I had all four lanes to myself!

A person can learn a lot in a short amount of time.  I was only in Portland for three short weeks and acquired a better understanding of myself and the world around me that I don’t think I would know otherwise.  We met so many interesting people.  Men, are different where you find them. WHAT? Yeah, gentlemen come from Portland.  I broke chains that I didn’t even know existed!  I’ve been holding myself back all along! Escaping from the comfort zone allowed me to take steps into the unknown, which strangely was the first step to healing.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a habit of trusting people too much.  When the trust is betrayed, havoc ensues in this little heart of mine.  The other evening, I had an encounter with the said heartbreak.  I thought I was content with my life again. I thought I healed. I moved on. When faced with the hurt again, the wounds burst open.  Lost and confused, looking for answers, I confined in baking through those tears.  After explaining to my wise old brother he stated, “Try being an anti-social like me, it does wonders.”  True.  If i never let my self open up to people, I wouldn’t get hurt.  I wouldn’t have to search for answers. Humans=Drama. Hermit=no human interaction= no drama. Great idea. I shall disappear from the world to never be exposed to mankind harm again!

Through all this, my best friend, wise beyond his years, also enlightened me: “…You just need to know you are loved regardless of what a couple assholes have done.  You never know if you don’t try.”  What’s life without risk? Yes, I’ve been hurt.  Maybe it was my fault from putting too much of my heart into things.  But how do you know if it’s a good thing or not? And recall, I haven’t died. I just feel like drowning in the shower.  That moment, where I think if I were just to stop the breathing that is so difficult, it would all be over, relief, but the mere fact that it’s impossible to drown in the shower shows me that somewhere deep inside  knows something I don’t. Soul? Perhaps. Whatever it is, it knows that this too shall pass and whatever is waiting on the other side is worth it. Even if I don’t completely comprehend, I trust it.

All those little mistakes make me stronger.  The sun rises to remind me I have another chance, a whole new day, to improve. Grace is such a beautiful thing! I should thank those people who hurt me.  They show me what I really do deserve.  I credit a lot to all those travels that have brought encounters that open my eyes and encourage me to grow beyond these roots.  There’s a whole lot of world out there. Wyoming will always be it’s wonderful self right here. I’m off to have adventures, to grow, and become exactly who I need to be!  Regardless how clumsy and scattered it may look, it’s exactly how it’s supposed to go in exactly the right timing.

~ by d3vojoy on January 16, 2012.