The Power of Forgiveness
Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life-Proverbs 4:23
Have you really considered what that means? What does it mean by “guard” and “wellspring”. Traveling always allows me a unique time of self-discovery via soul searching. This verse has a whole new meaning.
For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks-Matthew 12:34
My mouth can run away from me at times. Right after that moment: “GASP, why did I say that? It’s not like me…” We have a filter to learn how to be socially acceptable. Though my appearance and character may seem like I have good intentions, I have thoughts that are troubling. I think it’s my mind that’s troubled… but it comes from the heart. It is a bitter, ‘broken’, rotting heart that causes these ‘unspeakable’ moments… The heart comes out in every aspect of life, wellspring. This bitterness I’m becoming aware of, carries over into my new relationships, into my job, my school… family. Everything.
I always thought I was made bitter. I think this way because someone owes me something. He stole something from me. He owes me my happiness! Do you hear your own words!? He didn’t do what I expected. So HE made me unhappy and bitter…. really? Now, that’s not right. Makes me giggle now talking it through. It is me who is letting him control my life still…years later. He’s keeping me from being happy? HA, no silly, YOU are letting it hang over you. YOU are doing it to YOURSELF. The true source of my bitterness is just projected upon him. Because really, he did nothing. He owes me nothing. Even if he did, what can he do to make it better? Nothing. You can’t change the past. I made a point to clear him of his debts. To forgive him. Let it go. Symbolically through fire, there is nothing left to dwell on, just the next chapter of my life.
During this ‘revolutionary forgiveness’ I discovered a few layers of my heart. There, buried deep in my sub-conscience, I found what was truly bothering me. I can’t forgive myself. I am angry with me. I couldn’t admit it, let alone fix it! Funny how clearly one can see, once the step is taken back. I was living in this daydream for so long. It should have popped sooner. This anger isn’t from me, it couldn’t be me. I am perfect, flawless, everything anyone could want…. of course it’s not me .Silly girl, swallowed in self-pity. Make the world feel sorry for me, I’m the victim! Now I see, standing in my own destruction. First step-seeing what it truly is. Second, acceptance.
Mr. Time has taken his toll. I can’t change the past, but I can decide how the past controls me. This is all very silly, really. I can actually laugh out loud now! When I told him I forgave him, he wasn’t the one in need of forgiveness, I was! The liberation of this realization! My smile is genuine again! I can talk to him again and giggle at how silly it really was. I was just three years behind in the high school drama department.
That chapter has ended now. Thankfully, I can carry on. My heart one step closer to being free of bitterness! I’m not about finding my husband. A side story dealing with a second relationship where my bitterness ruined is where all this soul searching started. Glad I have that over with as well. Sooner the better! I know now that companionship is not what this heart is longing for-maybe eventually, but not now. Adventure. There is so much to discover and learn and to grow! That is what my new chapter is titled. It may break me, financially and spiritually, but I am so excited! I’ll take it. If i find companionship along the way, great! However, that is not my goal. New friendships from new faces in new places!
I.
Will.
Win.
For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also.
