Three Weeks in Portland

I find myself saying, “Who I am  hates who I’ve been..” which is true.  There are chapters that make me cringe when the memories are revisited.

*revelation*

Who I am is inspired by where I’ve been. Both physically, and figuratively. Traveling, heart breaks, celebrations and revelations. Struggles and triumphs. Crying and laughing-crying from laughing and laughing at crying… yes, that’s a thing. Illegals and volunteering. Building up the Karma and tearing it down. All of it, the good, the bad, the pleasant and the ugly-make me a Devo. And by golly, I’m almost satisfied.

I have a free spirit. It’s caged however. Limitations – mostly in the form of financials keep me like roots when I want to fly.  I have been very fortunate in my Tweedledum of a life, which I will choose to not take for granted. Europe, Canada (twice) Portland and North Carolina only to name a few. Even traveling around our US of A is revealing (when you come from a small town in Wyoming).  (On a side note of where I’ve been and when I come back, my love of this place is always refreshed. My heart will always find its way back to this beautiful country. I know it deep in my marrow. No matter where my adventures lead me, I will call Wyoming home.)

Portland was a particularly insightful chapter for me for a number of reasons.  It was a major turning point in my life.  Mentally, I was probably in the most darkest moment of my life. Something I thought I was sure of fell through, and I was shattered.  At the time, crushed and hurt, I couldn’t see the benefit, or the significance of change.

I’ve never done any thing crazy in my life, always the good girl who played by the rules.  But when my best friend said she’d take me on her business trip to Portland, I couldn’t find an excuse.  I had just moved to Laramie to start school at the University.  A month until the start of semester, there were no jobs for me (people weren’t hiring at the time).  Why not have fun before the chains of studies consumed me? No job, no friends….I made the phone call a day before she left. I phoned my mother right after asking for my passport (we were going to peak into Canada) and was holding it a few hours later. The next morning I was in the passenger-side seat, ready for an unknown adventure.

Filled with jittery excitement, I dreamed into the unknown.  That feeling, indescribable.

I learned right off the bat that I am an excellent night driver. Terrified about hitting dear, I was wide awake. In the dark early mornings, no one was on the road, so navigating big city was a cinch when I had all four lanes to myself!

A person can learn a lot in a short amount of time.  I was only in Portland for three short weeks and acquired a better understanding of myself and the world around me that I don’t think I would know otherwise.  We met so many interesting people.  Men, are different where you find them. WHAT? Yeah, gentlemen come from Portland.  I broke chains that I didn’t even know existed!  I’ve been holding myself back all along! Escaping from the comfort zone allowed me to take steps into the unknown, which strangely was the first step to healing.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a habit of trusting people too much.  When the trust is betrayed, havoc ensues in this little heart of mine.  The other evening, I had an encounter with the said heartbreak.  I thought I was content with my life again. I thought I healed. I moved on. When faced with the hurt again, the wounds burst open.  Lost and confused, looking for answers, I confined in baking through those tears.  After explaining to my wise old brother he stated, “Try being an anti-social like me, it does wonders.”  True.  If i never let my self open up to people, I wouldn’t get hurt.  I wouldn’t have to search for answers. Humans=Drama. Hermit=no human interaction= no drama. Great idea. I shall disappear from the world to never be exposed to mankind harm again!

Through all this, my best friend, wise beyond his years, also enlightened me: “…You just need to know you are loved regardless of what a couple assholes have done.  You never know if you don’t try.”  What’s life without risk? Yes, I’ve been hurt.  Maybe it was my fault from putting too much of my heart into things.  But how do you know if it’s a good thing or not? And recall, I haven’t died. I just feel like drowning in the shower.  That moment, where I think if I were just to stop the breathing that is so difficult, it would all be over, relief, but the mere fact that it’s impossible to drown in the shower shows me that somewhere deep inside  knows something I don’t. Soul? Perhaps. Whatever it is, it knows that this too shall pass and whatever is waiting on the other side is worth it. Even if I don’t completely comprehend, I trust it.

All those little mistakes make me stronger.  The sun rises to remind me I have another chance, a whole new day, to improve. Grace is such a beautiful thing! I should thank those people who hurt me.  They show me what I really do deserve.  I credit a lot to all those travels that have brought encounters that open my eyes and encourage me to grow beyond these roots.  There’s a whole lot of world out there. Wyoming will always be it’s wonderful self right here. I’m off to have adventures, to grow, and become exactly who I need to be!  Regardless how clumsy and scattered it may look, it’s exactly how it’s supposed to go in exactly the right timing.

I heard the bells

What I look forward to in a new year-I’d rather not call them resolutions, since if you really want to change, you don’t have to wait for a new year to do so. Nonetheless, this is a new beginning. I’ll lay down my scattered thoughts.
1. Learn more things I don’t know yet.
2. Never. Settle.
3. Adventures, not allowing trivial things hold me back.
4. Embrace: messy hair, every sun set/rise, mistakes
5. Grow
6. Read
7. Be aware of others’ thoughts, but not let them control me
9. Cook. Bake.
10. Relax.
11. Enjoy the small things
12. Sing, like no one is home. Play like I know how. Draw, because its fun.
13. Be brave
14. Create, everyday
15. Every day I will be happier than the last.
16. Show it with a smile.
17. Live
After all, this is our last year alive.

The Power of Forgiveness

Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life-Proverbs 4:23

Have you really considered what that means? What does it mean by “guard” and “wellspring”.  Traveling always allows me a unique time of self-discovery via soul searching.  This verse has a whole new meaning.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks-Matthew 12:34

My mouth can run away from me at times.  Right after that moment: “GASP, why did I say that? It’s not like me…”  We have a filter to learn how to be socially acceptable.  Though my appearance and character may seem like I have good intentions, I have thoughts that are troubling. I think it’s my mind that’s troubled… but it comes from the heart. It is a bitter, ‘broken’, rotting heart that causes these ‘unspeakable’ moments… The heart comes out in every aspect of life, wellspring.  This bitterness I’m becoming aware of, carries over into my new relationships, into my job, my school… family. Everything.

I always thought I was made bitter. I think this way because someone owes me something.  He stole something from me. He owes me my happiness! Do you hear your own words!? He didn’t do what I expected. So HE made me unhappy and bitter…. really? Now, that’s not right.  Makes me giggle now talking it through.  It is me who is letting him control my life still…years later. He’s keeping me from being happy? HA, no silly, YOU are letting it hang over you. YOU are doing it to YOURSELF. The true source of my bitterness is just projected upon him. Because really, he did nothing. He owes me nothing. Even if he did, what can he do to make it better? Nothing. You can’t change the past. I made a point to clear him of his debts. To forgive him. Let it go. Symbolically through fire, there is nothing left to dwell on, just the next chapter of my life.

During this ‘revolutionary forgiveness’ I discovered a few layers of my heart.  There, buried deep in my sub-conscience, I found what was truly bothering me. I can’t forgive myself. I am angry with me. I couldn’t admit it, let alone fix it!  Funny how clearly one can see, once the step is taken back.  I was living in this daydream for so long.  It should have popped sooner.  This anger isn’t from me, it couldn’t be me. I am perfect, flawless, everything anyone could want…. of course it’s not me .Silly girl, swallowed in self-pity. Make the world feel sorry for me, I’m the victim!  Now I see, standing in my own destruction. First step-seeing what it truly is. Second, acceptance.

Mr. Time has taken his toll. I can’t change the past, but I can decide how the past controls me.  This is all very silly, really.  I can actually laugh out loud now!  When I told him I forgave him, he wasn’t the one in need of forgiveness, I was!  The liberation of this realization!  My smile is genuine again!  I can talk to him again and giggle at how silly it really was.  I was just three years behind  in the high school drama department.

That chapter has ended now. Thankfully, I can carry on.  My heart one step closer to being free of bitterness!  I’m not about finding my husband. A side story dealing with a second relationship where my bitterness ruined is where all this soul searching started.  Glad  I have that over with as well. Sooner the better! I know now that companionship is not what this heart is longing for-maybe eventually, but not now. Adventure. There is so much to discover and learn and to grow! That is what my new chapter is titled.  It may break me, financially and spiritually, but I am so excited! I’ll take it. If i find companionship along the way, great! However, that is not my goal. New friendships from new faces in new places!

I.

Will.

Win.

For where your heart is, there your treasure will be also.

So I Smile

Sometimes it is the most you can do.  Sometimes it is the BEST thing you can do. I don’t know what my story is. I’ve been trying too hard to figure it out. It could have passed me by. I find myself at the dusty bottom. Curious, I’m not sure how I got here. I’m standing in the mess. Why did it take me so long to realize?  It is beautiful. And that is why I smile.

The Curse of the 22nd Year

Somewhere out there, there’s a cup of coffee waiting for me. But with my luck, it probably has someone else’s name on it.

Pessimist-noun-a person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.

Is this always a bad thing? If you expect the worse, and the worse doesn’t happen, then you get a positive outcome! If you aim high, you’re just setting up for disappointment.

As if yesterday I looked up at the sun and with one breath, blew it out; the world was turning in my favor, but I spoke and now sit in the hollow I harvested.  Looking to things bright: the future is still unwritten; and yet wobble further into the dark swirls of my mind to be asphyxiated by the clouds.

Peach, plum, pear.

The sun will rise tomorrow.

Winter will melt to Spring into blazing Summer to Fall back to the frosty chill.

Fact.

I will not stay for long. If I am sure of anything in this life, it is that change is inevitable. Like God’s alluring symphony crescendoing and diminishing. He is not boring. The chorus I hear now is a beautiful melody telling me terrible things.  This too shall pass.  Like holding my breath underwater. I have to admit, that I kind of like it when I do.

Sometimes I feel like a Sparrow…

Just Another Run

The best part of a run? The birds chirping, the awesome air, and the fact that a lot of people are still sleeping. The worst? The first couple of steps. Just getting the creaks out.
Is this what healing feels like?
Every time I go out there, I win. Every time I finish the task that I’ve set before myself, I win again.
Running has helped me process it all. The old photos, letters, and papers, the potholes and speedbumps along memory lane, the realization that life happens fast, it’s sometimes too much and I need to get out of my head and house and into the fresh air. My run recalibrates me, resets me, and refreshes me to return to base and keep working.

It’s not just me. It’s my God time. With life so distracting in every way, it’s this peace and quiet, the still of crisp morning air that He can finally speak to me. listen.  This is healing. The realization that these hands that are holding me, were there the whole time.  Even though it hurts Him, the things I do willfully, He’s still there. He’s been reaching for me all these years, now I will listen.  Not only for my brokenness to heal, but also, it is what I’ve been meant to do all along.

though weeping may last through the night

Joy comes with the morning

This is where I live.  Where my home will always be.

I count myself lucky.  Not only to be here, but to be able to climb the peak and see such images for my self.  Live for the moment. Who knows when you’ll run out.  So often we forget how much God spoils us on the daily.

Ghosts with just voices

Questioning Existance

Why does it take a tragedy to make people listen? A girl at the tender age of 19 died a week ago. I knew her, barely. She lived in my dorm, and was in a few of my classes. She was one of those girls you didn’t have to know-know to know she was a character. Her spunky attitude lit up the room and she had a tallent of making light of any situation. A true blessing to be around. So the question always is, why would God take such a precious diamond with her whole life ahead of her away from the earth? Especially an earth that is desprite for light-cheerful hearts such as these.

Quite simply, we will never know.  We can never understand the Big man’s plan.  So I had to stop asking why; it just doesn’t do to dwell on things you can’t solve.  Makes me ponder however.  Life is delicate.  In a blink of an eye -flash-gone.  So if it’s so easy to lose your life, and it doesn’t matter what kind of person you think you are, then OBVIOUSLY I’m still around for a reason.  Are we living that reason?  What will I leave behind if my life is snuffed out tonight when I close my eyes to sleep?  Will I make it to the Pearly Gates and have a Jesus smiling down on me?  Our very existence is to radiate God’s love.  I know I am not a true reflective of that light.

It is by the mercy of God that sustains me. Day by day.  I am His Princess.  Now I must live like such!

What sort of men will you be? Men obsessed with your own glory…or the glory of God?